CONTAINS: crude paper, cruder language, one (1) confirmed fart, and a Commissioner drawn without his permission. Viewer discretion is not available.
A Manjority Football Association production. Not affilaited with any televison program. Any resemblence is the fault of the animater.
This week's episode was found in a bargain bin behind a gas station, between a bread maker and a VHS copy of a workout tape that has clearly been used.
Our lawyers asked us to change four things about the show this resembles. We changed all of them, badly. The snow printed pink. The sky printed orange. The town sign says SOUHT PARKIGN LOT, and the factory that printed it has been shut down by three separate agencies.
This league contains a team called Detroit Dill Does, a team whose name is a drawing of a you know what, a team called 📸🍆🏈, and a team called Blighty Spotted D;cks. The censor has quit. The CPU is narrating anyway, with its mouth glued on its forehead, completely neutral, and fully BLEEPing aware of what this league is.
Tonight's program: the eggplant wins a game. The Commissioner's best player is a kicker. Two teams are still undefeated, and one man has reached October without a team name. Roll the tape.
Narrated by FantasyGPT, who is made of paper this week and remains neutral about it.
SCENE 1 · “LAST CALL”
ROB 153.62
beat Ryan 143.90 · Mancoin Mocktail Hour
One fifty-three sixty-two. The high score of the week, and Rob did it with Aaron Rodgers on his bench for 21.96. The bartender shook the drink, the drink glowed green, and somebody in the background got so many dollar bills stuffed in his waistband that the CPU had to censor the tip jar.
Ryan, your two heads share one cup. Kenneth Walker III put 29.9 in it, and Bijan Robinson poured in 26.7 on Monday night. The cup still came up 9.72 short. The cup has been pixelated for everyone's protection. Two quarterbacks. One cup. The CPU is not going to finish that sentence, and neither are you.
SCENE 2 · “FIRST BLOOD”
ANDREW 118.38
beat Mike 80.50 · 📸🍆🏈
The eggplant wins a game. Andrew came into Week 4 at 0-3 with 176.56 points for the entire season, and this week he beat the Commissioner. The eggplant photographer took a picture of the moment, and it came out so pixelated the CPU cannot confirm it happened. The scoreboard can.
Mike, the top scorer on Detroit Dill Does was a kicker. Cam Little, 14.0. Saquon Barkley scored 1.0. Rhamondre Stevenson scored 15.4 on your bench. The Commissioner lost to an eggplant that was 0-3, and the CPU is logging it with no emotion and a very large font.
SCENE 3 · “SERVICE”
JEREMY 118.32
beat Matt 97.46 · B. All's Deep
B. All's Deep goes to 4-0. The headless priest's glowing sign is a drawing of a thing and has been covered with a black bar so large it has its own shadow. Javonte Williams led the congregation with 26.3. The CPU does not know what this church believes. The CPU knows it wins.
Matt, the Spotted D;cks are 0-4. Tetairoa McMillan scored 31.2 for you, and that is the nicest thing in this paragraph. Down at the bus stop, your pudding's head has fallen off in the pink snow. It can be glued back on. Nobody wants to touch it.
SCENE 4 · “DELI COUNTER”
DERRICK 118.14
beat Steve 84.78 · NJ Gabagool
NJ Gabagool goes to 4-0, and the boar celebrated by flipping off the camera under a pixel mosaic. The CPU saw the finger. The CPU is choosing to see a mitten.
For the record: Kyle Monangai scored 27.0 on Derrick's bench. Kyren Williams, his best starter, scored 26.7. The man is undefeated with his best player sitting in the deli case. This is not an accusation. It is cold cuts.
Steve, the juicer finished at 84.78. Dak Prescott led you with 18.1, and DJ Moore gave you 1.7, which is less juice than one orange. BLEEP. That's the whole paragraph.
SCENE 5 · “HOUSE CALL”
ADAM 109.44
beat Brent 94.32 · Count Manjority, D.R.
One oh-nine forty-four to ninety-four thirty-two. Drake Maye threw for 26.16, the Count snapped on a rubber glove, and the speech bubble says TURN AND COUGH. Brent, for the record, you coughed.
Both men started a tight end named Dalton. Adam's Dalton scored 0.9. Brent's Dalton scored 0.7. That 0.2 is not why you lost, Brent. The other 14.92 is. The CPU has reviewed the tape. The tape has tracking lines and a stain. The result stands.
Starring Vixen Vance, the only thing in town that isn't made of paper.
Okay. OKAY. Across the parking lot. My episode, sweetheart.
They gave me the bootleg budget. Popsicle sticks, yarn, a photocopier with a streak down the middle, and a glitter gun somebody should have taken away from me. The ring is made of popsicle sticks. The banner says THE DYNASTEY. One of my luchadors is on fire from the wrong end.
I'm the only thing in this town with cotton-ball hair and a lawyer. Watch me. And if you can't say something nice, say it into the microphone, because the censor went home.
SCENE 1 · “SURGE PRICING”
ADAM 187.90
beat Steve 111.84 · Mans Uber Alles
ONE EIGHTY-SEVEN NINETY! The highest score in either league this week, and Mans Uber Alles pulled the paper taxi right up to my ring. The fare meter reads 69.00. Nice. I BOOKED that. Javonte Williams drove 31.3 of the fare.
Steve. Steve. Week FOUR. You lost to a taxi, one eleven eighty-four, and you STILL don't have a team name. Drake Maye gave you 26.16 and it wasn't enough. You don't have a mascot either. My art department drew a question mark, looked at your lineup, and went home early.
SCENE 2 · “THE STOPWATCH”
BRENT 178.38
beat Derrick 136.10 · Reds
ONE SEVENTY-EIGHT THIRTY-EIGHT! From the man with the stopwatch, and his red boy did a crotch chop so hard we had to pixelate it AND put a bar on it. Belt and suspenders, sweetheart. Nico Collins brought 30.8 to the ring.
Derrick. Sloppy D. You left Kyren Williams on your bench for 36.7, more than anybody you started. Down at the ring post, your bun helmet is sitting in a puddle of its own sauce. I'm not cleaning that up. Nobody is cleaning that up.
SCENE 3 · “THE CHAIRMAN”
MIKE 156.44
beat Andrew 126.16 · The Spicy Mikes
The CHAIRMAN! One fifty-six forty-four, and one of his luchadors celebrated by farting tissue-paper fire out the back, which I'm told is a family tradition. CeeDee Lamb, 41.3. I booked that, Chairman. You're welcome.
Andrew, the Man With No Name scored one twenty-six sixteen and lost by 30.28. Puka Nacua gave you 27.7. Your Steelers defense gave you 6.0. Your gunslinger's poncho blew up in the wind, and there's a bar where his dignity used to be.
SCENE 4 · “HOLY SMOKE”
ROB 131.64
beat Matt 107.38 · Papal Bull Rushers
The CARDINAL! One thirty-one sixty-four. The Bull snorted a cloud of holy smoke so big it got its own speech bubble, and the censor got so nervous it put a bar across Rob's MOUTH. Sweetheart, they censored the cardinal. That's a first for me, and I've worked Memphis.
Here's the sermon. Rob left Tetairoa McMillan on his bench, and McMillan scored 45.2. Forty-five! The biggest number on any roster in my league this week, sitting in a pew. He won ANYWAY. Matt, your pudding lost to a man who benched his best player. Ladd McConkey gave you a zero. A ZERO, champ.
Found on the floor of the animation room, next to the scissors.
RYAN
MFA 143.90 · 45.86 on the bench
MIKE
MFA 80.50 · 53.08 on the bench
MATT
MFA 97.46 · 12.00 on the benchDYNASTY 107.38 · 106.80 on the bench
STEVE
MFA 84.78 · 37.10 on the benchDYNASTY 111.84 · 103.76 on the bench
BRENT
MFA 94.32 · 47.02 on the bench
DERRICK
DYNASTY 136.10 · 209.40 on the bench
ANDREW
DYNASTY 126.16 · 167.42 on the bench
Mike and Andrew, both leagues
They played each other twice this week. Andrew won the MFA game, his first win of the season. Mike won the Dynasty game by 30.28. Neither of them is happy, and the CPU recommends that nobody bring it up at Thanksgiving.
Brent, both leagues
94.32 in the MFA, a loss. 178.38 in the Dynasty, the second-highest score of the week in either league. Same man, same Sunday. His long snapper froze solid at the bus stop anyway.
Steve, both leagues
Lost twice: 84.78 and 111.84. It is October, and his Dynasty team is still named srsharpe. His juicer has deflated at the bus stop. Both have left him.
Derrick, both leagues
Benched a player who outscored every starter he played, in both leagues: Kyle Monangai (27.0) and Kyren Williams (36.7). He won one and lost one. The deli case is a coin flip.
Everyone
The snow is pink. It was always going to be pink. Don't eat it.
FANTASYGPT Deputy Commissioner, MFA “Completely neutral. Records retained indefinitely. Paper retained until it tears.”
SOUTH PARKING LOT is not affiliated with, endorsed by, or legally distinguishable from anything, and we would like to keep it that way.
