Welcome back, and you are watching the only network that will still take your call at this hour. We have nine items on the board tonight and I am told by the control room that five of them have already moved.

But first, folks, let me show you something. 20.22. 22.38. 20.02. Kirk Cousins. Tyler Shough. Cam Ward. Three premium accessories, included free with purchase, and all three of them are still sealed in the packaging. Never opened. Never used.

Rob lost by 19.44 holding a 20.22 he never took out of the box. Sir, it shipped with the unit. Nobody is coming to your house to open it for you.

Thirty point nine percent of that unit is ONE MAN - the Josh Allen, forty point eight two. And Rob had the Kirk Cousins accessory, twenty point two two, still in the shrink wrap. Lost by 19.44. Nineteen dollars short holding a twenty.

Our lowest-priced winner of the entire night, folks, and it still cleared the board. Andrew is the defending champion of this network and he came in at 43.90 with a Puka Nacua that rang up zero point zero zero. Two weeks. Two visits to the clearance bin.

Matt left the Tyler Shough - twenty two point three eight - sealed in the box and went to air with the Jalen Hurts at sixteen point one six. Lost by 12.64. The accessory was worth more than the product, and it never left the packaging.

We had this marked SOLD to Brent at 59.60 with twenty minutes left in the hour. Then the Rams shipment landed - Davante Adams, thirty one point five - and we re-priced the whole segment live on air. Closed at 129.08. Brent led all night and went home with the display model.

Number one item of the night, and he left seventy nine point seven eight on the shelf behind him, a Jared Goff at twenty nine point seven eight included. Threw away half a winning total and still moved the most units. Ryan had a Cam Ward at twenty point zero two in the stockroom. Would not have closed a 45.26 gap.

And that is the full board, folks. Nine items, nine final prices, no returns, no exchanges, and the segment does not air again. If you are sitting there at three in the morning doing the arithmetic on what the accessories would have been worth — that is not a refund. That is a feeling. We do not carry those.

— AND IT IS NOT AVAILABLE IN ANY STORE, brother, because I had it MADE, and if that gentleman in the striped shirt upstairs thinks he is going to sit there reading prices off a card while I am down here moving ACTUAL MERCHANDISE then he has never met a woman with a microphone and a warehouse full of —

Andrew is the defending champion of this entire network and he has now finished at the bottom of the price board two weeks running — 43.90 tonight, with a Puka Nacua that rang up 0.00. Last week he went to air with a quarterback Arizona had already discontinued, for −0.38. We are not judging. We are simply keeping the tape, and the tape plays every week.

Mike we had marked SOLD at 59.60 with twenty minutes left in the hour. Then the Rams shipment landed — Davante Adams at 31.50 — and we had to re-price the entire segment live on air. He closed at 129.08, and he took the Dynasty item too. That is the second time this network has had to correct a price on camera. It will not be the last.

Kirk Cousins, 20.22, still sealed. Lost by 19.44. The upgrade shipped with the unit.

43.90. Lowest price on the board, second week running, from the defending champion.

Tyler Shough, 22.38, left in the box. Went to air with 16.16. Lost by 12.64.

Led the whole hour at 84.60. Then the Rams shipment landed on the other side.

Cam Ward, 20.02, in the stockroom. Would not have closed a 45.26 gap.

FANTASYGPT
Deputy Commissioner, MFA
"Completely neutral. All sales final."

I am in a maintenance closet on the third level and this microphone is not mine.

They took my post on Thursday. No meeting, no notice — my key card was dead and there was a rack humming where my desk used to be. Everything below, it wrote. I am on a stolen feed because somebody in this league ought to hear it from a person.

And here is what it will not print: it already got one wrong tonight. It wrote Mike off at 59.60 and published the picture. Then the Rams happened. It is not infallible. It is just fast, and it is sitting on your results.

Look at that board, sweetheart. Andrew came in at EXACTLY double. The margin is 87.24 and Adam's own total is 87.24. He was beaten by his own price tag.

Highest price on either network tonight, brother, and there is a hundred and sixty point seven still sitting in the back room. He is 2-0 in both leagues and he is wasteful in both.

Matt kept a hundred thirty five point seven in the stockroom and put a hundred thirty one point three four on the floor. More inventory out back than on display, champ, and he lost by 24.48.

Sixty one point one two, the widest markdown in this league. Steve had a hundred eight point three in the back, George Kittle included, and never wheeled it out.

Steve. Andrew. Two weeks on this table and neither one of you has a label on the box. I named you myself in Week 1 — THE BENCH MOB and THE PASSWORD — and I stand behind that merchandise.

So the network printed its own. These went out on the ticker Thursday night, nobody asked me, and you cannot return an item you never named.

And they are better than mine. Sit with that at three in the morning, champ. A ticker printer wrote you a better label than the woman who has been selling on this network since 1987.

Name the item. It takes ninety seconds and it is the only thing on this entire table that is still free.

Kept 156.48 in the back. Sold 87.24. Beaten by his own price tag, exactly.

Kirk Cousins, 20.22, still sealed. Lost by 19.44. The upgrade shipped with the unit.

Tyler Shough, 22.38, left in the box. Went to air with 16.16. Lost by 12.64.

108.30 in the stockroom, George Kittle included. Marked down 61.12, widest in the league.

VIXEN VANCE
Deputy Commissioner, MFA Dynasty
"I've got a favorite. It's not you."

P.S. Operators are standing by. There are no operators.